Midlife Memories and The Evolution of Friends

“In every new friend we gain, we find new dimensions of ourselves.” [Unknown]

Friends and friendships are the prime ingredients of a happy life. They are the steak and potato on your plate of living, the power-packed energy in a handful of nuts, and the essential immuno acids in a salad bowl. Friends make us who we are from the very first day we meet our first mate at preschool to the very last day we say goodbye to our oldest mate on our deathbeds. We are also the friends of others who make them who they are! Friends come and go, like trends in clothing or changes in hobbies and sports. Friends come and go like spring blossoms on a peach tree and autumn leaves spiralling to the ground.

According to Ann Smyth, “As we journey down the path of life, the landscape of our relationships undergoes a gradual transformation, with the priority of our friendships shifting in response to the evolving demands and milestones of adulthood. While friendships remain an integral part of our social fabric, their significance may wax and wane as other relationships, such as romantic partnerships and parental bonds, take centre stage … As we enter the bustling realm of middle age, friendships take on a new significance, serving as anchors amidst the complexities of adult responsibilities, career pressures, and family obligations. A good friend in our 40s is someone who understands the intricacies of our lives, respects our boundaries, and provides a safe harbour in times of need. Quality over quantity becomes the mantra, and genuine connection trumps superficial pleasantries. Whether it’s sharing a meal, lending a listening ear, or simply being a steady presence in the chaos of life, the measure of a good friend lies in their steadfast support and unwavering loyalty.”

I agree. That is where I am now, in middle age. And with gratitude, I look back on my life and see how I have become a relative hermit with acceptance and self-love. I have a few friends I can count on th fingers of one hand. And that is fine. My friendships were a typical cycle that flowed from childhood, through adolescence, via the burnout 20s and 30s, the self-analysing 40s, to the here and now!

“It’s true: lives do drift apart for no obvious reason. We’re all busy people, we can’t spend our time simply trying to stay in touch. The test of a friendship is if it can weather these inevitable gaps.” [William Boyd]

Childhood Besties

I remember my first-ever best friend at a primary school in Pietermaritzburg. Colette had white-blonde hair and I had dark brunette hair and we were inseparable hand-holding besties. We walked to Brownies together, tied knots at Girl Guides together, and shared magical playdates many days after school. That all changed when our parents chose our high schools — I went to an all-girls school while Colette went to a co-ed school. I never met boys and she did. Things changed. I met new friends at high school and so did she.

Adolescence Peers

I clearly remember my high school friends, a bevvy of six girls with distinct personalities, unique appearances, and irresistible senses of humour. We laughed, we pranked teachers, we did our best in academics and sport and the days flew by. Some of us were swimmers, others were hockey players, some of us were prefects, and others were socialites. We met after school to chat, ride bikes, or swim in the heat of the city summers.

I have sweet memories of writing matric and realizing that I had come to the end of yet another friendship era. We all parted ways to choose our career paths — I was the only friend who went to Rhodes University to study journalism while others became teachers and nurses. I grabbed my new-found freedom with both hands and met some esoteric individuals at uni, a contrasting basket of fruit and fruit cakes who studied similar subjects to me.

The Wild 20s

We were the emerging hippy brigade at Rhodes with our long skirts, frizzy hairstyles, and aspirations to make change and to change. I found another bevvy of wild girls who drank hard and played hard. We stole park benches and Wimpy restaurant curtains; we stole glasses from pubs and plants from the pavement. We thought we were hilarious! Three years later, with my BA in Journalism and English in the bag, I left Rhodes — and all my friends behind.

My mind harks back to choices being made, thoughts spinning in my head, and parents on my back. I decided NOT to be a journalist immediately, I needed a break and instant cash. So, I applied to work in the bushveld and soon I was jet-setting to Mala Mala Game Reserve next to Kruger in the Rattray’s private plane. I joined other KwaZulu-Natal-sourced staff members pandering to rich clients.

I clearly remember working in the famous Kirkman’s Kamp as a hands-on receptionist and hostess. I loved the beauty of this museum-styled historical lodge and the new friends I made who worked there too. There was just a handful of staff at this smaller lodge and we all bonded well. We worked three months on and 3 weeks off.

Yes, I met new friends in the bushveld and we partied hard when the camp was empty. I connected with other girls with similar dreams to me and game rangers looking for dollars and a rich bush experience. What a life, surrounded by wildlife and the bushveld and all things alive and blissful. Once a week, staff members could go on game drives, the highlight of our weeks. We served the guests, added up the cash, and soaked up bush auras and smells, sights, and textures all day.

Footloose Travel Friends

After two special years, a group of us left Mala Mala to explore our world more. My childhood bestie, Colette invited me overseas! Colette had a friend going along and I invited two friends so we were 5. We flew to London and that was that. We spent a few days touring then Colette and her friend flew to Taiwan to teach English and I stayed to ‘make pounds’.

Then the wheels fell off and my other two friends clashed. One flew home and the other decided to travel alone. I met a journalist in Brighton who sent me on a free one-week trip to America’s Florida to write articles! Then I became broke. I had NO money after that. My dad bailed me out and bought my ticket to Taiwan so I too could teach English.

For the first time in my life, I had NO friends to assist me, just a fantastic Taiwanese Eastern experience learning a new culture and fitting into a new routine and lifestyle. I met Taiwanese teachers who hosted me and I stayed alone in an apartment. I rode my donated bicycle everywhere, climbed mountains, and explored the entire island alone on a moped! I made good money which then paid my way on a two-week skiing trip in the Pyrenees. I met wild students and travellers on that trip who drank like hobos! I met South African ski instructors and people from all over the globe! We skied hard, partied hard, and then we parted ways.

Again, I was on my own, exploring my world. I decided to go to Israel to work on a moshav to earn dollars for the next adventure. I hooked up with another bevvy of extraordinary ladies — one from New Zealand, two from Australia, and one from the UK. We were wild and we were besties. Just for a few months. We explored Israel on bicycles from top to bottom then we booked a 3-week tour to Egypt to see everything in every tourist book you simply have to see. That was a climactic tour of hot deserts on donkeys and camels, devasting diarrhoea, and some interesting Eqyptians practising their F*ck words on us!

I distinctly remember those friendships dissolving naturally as our time and money dried up naturally. I booked a trip to Greece as we all parted ways to find our hearts’ desires and make money working hard in restaurants and bars.

“Friendship is not always about meeting in the middle; sometimes it’s about taking turns carrying each other.” [Big Friendship]

Introspective 30s and Confusing 40s

Well, I finally got home to South Africa, two years later, and decided to be a journalist in Pietermaritzburg, my hometown. I worked at the Witness for 3 years and made crazy journalist friends who all loved to paint the town red at night! I stayed in a commune on a farm just outside the city for a while then I moved to the Drakensberg to do conservation and environmental education. My career pivoted and evolved and I made another friendship change and diversion. From my twenties to my thirties — and then suddenly I was married and having babies! The rest is history.

Midlife 50s Evolution of Friends

Today I am in my mid-50s in the height of midlife and I am navigating my way cautiously. I am aware that my mind has become bloated with thoughts and aspirations clashing with the stresses of being parents in an ever-changing world of all kinds of external and internal problems and worries. We live in the Deep South of Cape Town so we are blessed. I have made so many changes during the past 10 years and the hardest part is the friendship changes.

I found moving to Cape Town to be the hardest thing I have ever done and finding friends here did not come naturally. It was hard and it took long and to this day, I feel as if I am floating around, not grounding in friendships at all but flitting around and having coffees and chats and just shooting the breeze.

Yes, it is my mind, my assumptions, my opinions, and my life’s choices that brought me here. Yes, it is my upbringing, my childhood, my environment, and all those things that happened to me along the way. From getting married and moving here and finding a whole new life with a family unit and the need to be a Mother first and foremost. And this is ME! My dream has come true.

I am a mother and a wife. I have a handful of good friends yes I am blessed. I have passed through many jobs, many volunteering posts and many days just being a housewife. I work hard every day and fit in my housework, my garden, my walks, and my stuff. I sleep little and rush a lot. I love it. Friends evolve and friendships come and go and I accept that. I am middle-aged and I accept that. I allow the universe to now show me the way. It is what it is and I am blessed and grateful.

I appreciate these words from Roberta Satow on Psychology Today: “Friendships are high stakes when they are intimate. We share feelings about important aspects of our lives and about each other. We also depend on the other person for support in difficult times; advice in times of conflict; and empathy in times of remorse. We feel “known” by them. The loss of a high-stakes friend is painful; it has a noticeable impact on our lives … Low-stakes friendships, on the other hand, are more casual and limited emotionally. We may play bridge or tennis together, go out for dinner with our spouses, but we do not feel “known.” We don’t share any feelings or experiences that would make us feel emotionally vulnerable and we do not talk about feelings toward each other. The loss of a low-stakes friend may be regrettable, but it does not leave a dent in our lives.”