What IS the Ideal Life?

I wrote this article two years ago. I decided to repost it today, National Women’s Day in South Africa. This auspicious day for all our feminine citizens is a vital opportunity for all South Africans to appreciate their mothers, daughters, aunties, grandmothers, teachers, and friends. It is also a chance to say how happy I am to be a sober mother to my two teenage boys, to be focused on their futures and my inner wisdom. I’ll drink a coffee to that!

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I picked up a magazine at the airport because that is what I always do when I am at airports. I treat myself to a good read on the plane. I nearly fainted at the till when I had to pay R55 for an hour’s read. But I chose the right magazine.

Articles on kindness, on marriage and on being more eco-conscious. Articles on just being, not rushing and taking note of others. A good woman’s magazine to ease into a working trip away to see my family. Sure, I got a shock paying R55 for that magazine but hopefully, my money is paying someone’s salary. And I did learn something new.

Marriage is changing — our parents believed that marriage was forever. We believe that if marriage is not working, move on. The world is changing, and love is evolving. Just ask your teen!

Eco Love

I so appreciate the letter from a mother to her millennial kids, apologizing for what our generation has done to the planet, and for what the kids must now fix:

“So, I’m sorry. Sorrier than you’ll ever know. Because now, the only thing that matters is that you guys, and your children, and their children, have a future… Just a planet to live on, in harmony with the few species we haven’t managed to wipe off its face. And a population that sees soon enough to avert it, that global inequality could mean the end of all of us.”

I so relate. All these issues cloud my mind daily because I stress about the planet, environmental health, the straws on the beaches, the plastics inside the whales. I cry about the lack of space for houses, the houses going up everywhere anyway, and the migration of people to quiet untouched places.

I worry about the smoke in my nose and hair and the roar of cars all day long. Our teenagers needing things, our tweens hiding online all day. Parents working nonstop but not even getting near paying the bills.

Kindness is King

I flip the pages of my magazine and find the article about women driving projects of kindness for other women. NGOs started by women, for women — many of whom are sexually and physically abused. Can you try to help others with just one hour out of your hectic week? Or is that asking too much as many women are already on a knife edge with exhaustion? Is that you, or can you press pause and look into the lives of those less fortunate than you?

I sat on the plane reading my magazine and taking note of everyone around me. Everyone sitting peacefully, accepting their 2 hours of enforced rest. There is definitely a change in the air after the planet was seized by Covid-19 and shaken around like a ragdoll in a Pitbull’s jaws.

Those two terrible years have passed in a blur. South Africans have only recently thrown away their masks. It feels strange, yet so normal (and what IS normal anymore?) to walk into shops mask-free and to smile at all the Covid warning signs still stuck up everywhere.

There are still the fearful people, wearing their masks alone on the beach. That is their journey and they have yet to discover that yes, fresh air is better for you and yes, walking mask-free in nature boosts your immunity.

The best thing for the fear, the loneliness and the unpredictability of life is to reach out to others and do good unto others. Research shows that people who do something kind for someone else have raised levels of happy hormones: serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins.

Helping makes you High

These happy hormones keep us balanced physiologically as well as regulate our mental and emotional health. We can do many things to boost them naturally, including a healthy diet and being out in nature, using our bodies and minds. Giving back to others wins first prize, so they say.

Humans have basic needs, and it was Maslow who figured out what we need essentially and then ultimately: food, water and shelter are the three needs we cannot survive without. Close on their heels is social interaction, physical contact with other humans (intimacy) and a sense of purpose.

Millions of years ago, our ancestors had purpose, and survival — finding food and water daily, caring for babies and children, looking out for danger, and moving around to deal with all of these things.

What is your sense of purpose? Do you LOVE your job? Do you LOVE your family? Do you LOVE helping others? Or are you lacking any sense of purpose — you are stuck on your smartphone, in front of the computer then the TV, soaking up drivel created by those to make us addicted to shopping?

Do you react to others? One thing I have discovered post-Covid is that so many people do not react to ‘problem’ people. So, if you are suffering from depression or fear or an aching back, people just look past you. They ignore your complaints. This to me is the other side of the coin. That not reacting to other people’s pain because it is all too much and is that person not just asking for attention?

Goals and Reactions

And yet, it is good to help others. A catch-22. Help others because you know how it feels to not be helped and to feel empty. So do help others but do it quietly. I know that I am one of those busy people who never asks for help and then, when I do, or I say that I am tired, people look past me. Ignore my pain.

So, I soldier on and realise that this is my life and if I am tired, I must get away and do things my way. So, I do. And that brings me to the subject of self-care. How much self-care is too much? Do we just mope around on the couch all day, draw another long hot herbal bath and smear another charcoal mask on our tired faces, or do we get out there, volunteer, stand in a queue for work, apply to be a cleaner, just anything to get our dignity and drive back?

The past two years have been exhausting, especially if you have lost loved ones. You do need time to heal. You do need input from others about how to do this. No one has money, that is the other thing, to go on retreats, hire a coach and join a gym.

If you are one of these cashless people, you probably draw on your friends and family for intimacy and healing. Hobbies can heal too. Setting goals and attaining them can heal. Simple goals like, “Today I am going to wash the dog.”

Try Hobbies That Heal:

• art classes — not only painting, mind you but all kinds of art such as sketching, sculpture, and making something from recycling
• upcycling things in the house or things you find at junk shops
• pottery classes
• singing lessons
• ballet lessons
• dancing for fitness — Nia or Zumba classes
• cold water swimming
• joining a hiking group
• joining a gardening club
• knitting and embroidery — teach yourself
• read and read some more — books not online

Set Some Goals:

• Start a new course
• Start a new side business like selling coffees at Home Affairs, or driving people around who cannot afford taxi fares, or cooking meals for people who are ill
• Keep trying new things and doing things differently — take a different route to work or school, shop somewhere different (e.g., locally), do something different after work, cook something new
• Take up cycling or roller-skating just for the hell of it
• Spend more time with your kids just sitting
• Be kind. To others and to YOU.

And now, it is over to you. From me, over and out.